{"id":3286,"date":"2021-01-08T11:49:54","date_gmt":"2021-01-08T09:49:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/intenselypersonal.com\/?p=3286"},"modified":"2021-01-08T11:49:55","modified_gmt":"2021-01-08T09:49:55","slug":"dont-care","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/intenselypersonal.com\/index.php\/2021\/01\/08\/dont-care\/","title":{"rendered":"Don’t care."},"content":{"rendered":"\n

The Course of Miracles<\/em> distinguishes between two types of relationship: the special relationship and the Holy relationship. \u2018Special\u2019 is what society views as a \u2018normal\u2019 relationship. We give one person our love, and so reduce our range of loving from 360 degrees (in a very expansive person) to 10 degrees. With this sacrifice (to ‘love’) we expect something back, something to compensate the \u2018loss\u2019 from expansion of love to the narrow projection of \u2018special\u2019. Since the other is our special something we expect this from them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We are attracted to this one other special person because it feels like they have something we don\u2019t have. We want it. We begin to expect it. We feel that if we are open enough to the other they will be able to just give this ‘something’ to us. It is not like we didn\u2019t do anything, we sacrificed our expansiveness for them, god-damn it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But we can\u2019t save others, change others or give others peace, joy or happiness. These come from within. We become them by dissolving within us all that isn\u2019t peace, joy or happiness. We simply can’t get it from outside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In Holy relationships we see all as we are ourselves, peace, joy and happiness. We do not love anything more than anything else. Why would we? We simply love. We reside in our ‘us-ness’ allowing all others to do the same. We do not \u2018care\u2019 about the other. That\u2019s the rub. It seems so WRONG. We don\u2019t care?? What?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In co-dependency, that wonderful glue of the special relationship, we each develop skills of identifying with \u2018victim\u2019, \u2018saviour\u2019 and \u2018perpetrator\u2019. It makes us care about the other and who and how they are. If they are not presently as we would like them to be, we really extra care about that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had a difficult break up a few years ago. I was all over the place, he was all over the place. We weren\u2019t talking. I was floundering, processing grief. I had to delete a few ‘philosophical outpourings’ from facebook. My friends told me they just didn\u2019t really make any sense. I wasn’t with it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I became concerned that many people were saying, \u2018Have you seen what he posted?\u2019 tThe facebook comments were ever increasing aggrandization going berserk. He, too it seems, was all over the place, attempting to recalibrate his relationship to himself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was worried. I cared for him. Was he ok?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He and I had been working on his professional image as an artist. I had spent a few years building up his website. He was blowing it all. He was ruining all that work I had done for him. I was concerned. I cared about him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, I called a friend we had in common. I explained the situation magnanimously. I asked him if he would be able to talk to my ex- and \u2018warn\u2019 him what people were saying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My friend\u2019s response knocked me, domino effect. He said, \u2018Your apparent \u2018care\u2019 is ego control.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Wow. Wow. Wow. WTF?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And yet as I let it sink in over the day, I realised that he was absolutely right. I was saying: \u2018Ex-boyfriend, I care about you.\u2019 Which actually means, I care about the \u2018you\u2019 I have constructed in my mind and you are deviating from that image.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The message, \u2018I care about you and your life,\u2019 I began to realise was: I care about if you complete my project properly as I dreamt it, especially now that I have lost control. I spent a lot on that web site \u2013 in time, energy and dreams. Don\u2019t fuck up. I want something back from you. I want you to be who I unconsciously planned you to be (a successful artist).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I realised that I had heavily invested in these feeling because I wanted to have the boyfriend that I wanted to have \u2013 and THEN I would love him. \u2018Care\u2019 translated into \u2018I will love you when you are as I want you to be\u2019. Care equalled conditional. It wasn\u2019t love. It was a transaction. My messages was: I will unconsciously manipulate you into what I think you should be and THEN I may be able love you (for what you give me).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was shocking because I was having a parallel conversation with myself about how my parents wouldn\u2019t accept me, and therefore love me, until I was what they wanted me to be. This that they wanted for me is who I am not (a stable, married, salaried mother).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I dropped it. With the ex. And with the parents. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The relationship with my parents became much easier: freer with more space for love to arise. And it does. I feel really happy to be in a healthy space with them, each as we are. It gives me deep confidence to be more me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With the ex, he cannot talk to me, but my relationship with him in my heart is freer and lighter. I remember him with care-free love. I don’t need to carry the weight around of my unmet (unrealistic) expectancies. It’s not fair to anyone, least myself.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Course of Miracles distinguishes between two types of relationship: the special relationship and the Holy relationship. \u2018Special\u2019 is what…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3287,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_s2mail":"yes","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3286","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorised"],"aioseo_notices":[],"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/intenselypersonal.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3286","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/intenselypersonal.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/intenselypersonal.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/intenselypersonal.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/intenselypersonal.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3286"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/intenselypersonal.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3286\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/intenselypersonal.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3287"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/intenselypersonal.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3286"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/intenselypersonal.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3286"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/intenselypersonal.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3286"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}